what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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