I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
