so explain again why im purple
no
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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