I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
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You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
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Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.