My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I am one with the molecules
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.