I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
