Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm like, not good at living.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
