i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
