so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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