If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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