I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
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I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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