i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
