Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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