That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Terrible idea I love it
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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