I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
