my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
