He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
