So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
