Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Randomize
