shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.