I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar