Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules