She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
