when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
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I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
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Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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