sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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