my mouth tastes like poor choices
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
