Where is the hickey?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
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why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
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How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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