i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
