if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
