Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
