Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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