So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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