Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
