I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
