i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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