i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just googled if crying burns calories
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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