my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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