guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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