six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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