Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
