i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
