Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
