4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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