I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
