Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
