Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
