i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
