well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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