smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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