Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
