i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
