I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
