From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
