I wish I could teleport
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
