I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
