About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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