I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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