You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
