dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
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You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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